Monday, August 22, 2011
I fail at blogging.
It's not that I don't have anything to say. Nor is it that I dislike writing my thoughts down for you to read. My problem seems to be that once I start writing or even get it all written out, I feel as though my words are inconsequential. ...I just read that last sentiment and I proved it to be true. I think I should start to blog just for blogging's sake. Maybe I could do at least one post a week, even if its just a one sentence post. Do you think that might help? I really would like to write more...and read more. I want to enhance my human experience and absorbing and creating are the ways in which to do so.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Could we discuss a writing analogy for a few minutes?
I know this is a fairly common analogy, but lately I have really come to see how the people around me are like different implements of writing, drawing, or coloring.
There are pencils; the common, but diverse people who know how to learn from their mistakes.
There are crayons; the colorful, extroverted people who are ready to indulge in child's play at a moment's notice.
There are paintbrushes; the almost painfully artistic people who spew creativity with every word and action.
There are sharpies; the bold, daring people who act with confidence and are quick to cancel out their mistakes and the mistakes of others.
There are keyboards; the modern, busy, articulate ones who seem as though they can conquer anything in a relatively short amount of time.
There are styli(styluses); the seemingly unimpressive individuals who accomplish astounding things without leaving a mark.
...etc. (Obviously not an exhaustive list, just the ones that came to mind)
Personally, I think I am most comparable to the classic ballpoint pen. Pens are direct, to the point, and leave the writer with little room for error. If there is even one little mistake, it turns into a big scribble-y mess. Also, pens tend to be pretty invisible until you need one; and even then, sometimes its hard to find one. They are very useful, but rarely desirable. (I have a feeling that you may disagree, but this is just how I see myself.)
I love analogies like this. They allow me to see the world from atop the desk and create perspectives of personalities I would otherwise never have considered. I just want to see more, be more, and create more. I only limit myself.
There are pencils; the common, but diverse people who know how to learn from their mistakes.
There are crayons; the colorful, extroverted people who are ready to indulge in child's play at a moment's notice.
There are paintbrushes; the almost painfully artistic people who spew creativity with every word and action.
There are sharpies; the bold, daring people who act with confidence and are quick to cancel out their mistakes and the mistakes of others.
There are keyboards; the modern, busy, articulate ones who seem as though they can conquer anything in a relatively short amount of time.
There are styli(styluses); the seemingly unimpressive individuals who accomplish astounding things without leaving a mark.
...etc. (Obviously not an exhaustive list, just the ones that came to mind)
Personally, I think I am most comparable to the classic ballpoint pen. Pens are direct, to the point, and leave the writer with little room for error. If there is even one little mistake, it turns into a big scribble-y mess. Also, pens tend to be pretty invisible until you need one; and even then, sometimes its hard to find one. They are very useful, but rarely desirable. (I have a feeling that you may disagree, but this is just how I see myself.)
I love analogies like this. They allow me to see the world from atop the desk and create perspectives of personalities I would otherwise never have considered. I just want to see more, be more, and create more. I only limit myself.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's just life.
Last night I realized something strange... and honestly, not terribly interesting...
I feel really good about the major decisions I've made in the last two weeks. I have my peace with them, regardless of what others say about it.
But there's something else...something wrong.
I've considered a lot of different things...mostly they are things that I know are true, but I'm still not sure if they are actually the cause of this melancholy.
First of which is that I'm lonely. Not like devastatingly "everyone hates me" or "no one cares about me"...nothing like that. I have the BEST friends in the world; people who shower me with love and affirmation, so no problem there. It's that other kind of lonely. The kind where if I want to just talk or cry or laugh or rant with someone who is closer to me than anyone else, then I know exactly who to call. I don't have that right now...and that's okay. I know God will bring me that person when the time is right for both him and me. It's just rough when I see so many relationships forming and thriving around me everyday.
Second is the possibility that I'm still a bit worried that I'm not actually doing what God wants me to do. I know that the devil is constantly trying to put doubt and guilt on my heart to make me think that I'm doing something wrong. I know I can't let him get to me and that I need to pray him away. But its still something I struggle with daily.
Thirdly and, for the purpose of this blog, finally, I've been getting a little scared lately that I'm not as "okay" as I think I am. I've gone through a lot of battles in the last eight years and have learned a lot about myself through them. One major thing that I've learned is that I'm very good at hiding things from people...including myself. I bury things inside my heart when I don't want to think about them. Then, eventually, I forget about them...until they come back. And lately, things have been coming back. Just little things, nothing too frightening, but all the same, its bothersome.
Yeah.
Well...that's a bit of my exposed heart in the moment.
Just in case you were wondering...
I feel really good about the major decisions I've made in the last two weeks. I have my peace with them, regardless of what others say about it.
But there's something else...something wrong.
I've considered a lot of different things...mostly they are things that I know are true, but I'm still not sure if they are actually the cause of this melancholy.
First of which is that I'm lonely. Not like devastatingly "everyone hates me" or "no one cares about me"...nothing like that. I have the BEST friends in the world; people who shower me with love and affirmation, so no problem there. It's that other kind of lonely. The kind where if I want to just talk or cry or laugh or rant with someone who is closer to me than anyone else, then I know exactly who to call. I don't have that right now...and that's okay. I know God will bring me that person when the time is right for both him and me. It's just rough when I see so many relationships forming and thriving around me everyday.
Second is the possibility that I'm still a bit worried that I'm not actually doing what God wants me to do. I know that the devil is constantly trying to put doubt and guilt on my heart to make me think that I'm doing something wrong. I know I can't let him get to me and that I need to pray him away. But its still something I struggle with daily.
Thirdly and, for the purpose of this blog, finally, I've been getting a little scared lately that I'm not as "okay" as I think I am. I've gone through a lot of battles in the last eight years and have learned a lot about myself through them. One major thing that I've learned is that I'm very good at hiding things from people...including myself. I bury things inside my heart when I don't want to think about them. Then, eventually, I forget about them...until they come back. And lately, things have been coming back. Just little things, nothing too frightening, but all the same, its bothersome.
Yeah.
Well...that's a bit of my exposed heart in the moment.
Just in case you were wondering...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Social confusion.
I have a strange problem that I do not know how to address without making myself look like a really selfish person. You see, I have a lot of friends; a lot of really great friends. These are friends who I know love and care about me deeply and enjoy my company. Obviously this is not the problem that I'm referencing.
The problem lies in the fact that most of my friends belong to separate distinct "friend groups" (in high school, we would have called them cliques). However, even that is not really a bad thing, but I'm not really a member of any of these groups. I'm a person who can come and go in many groups and have a good time.
Last year, this was never a problem because we all lived in a small dorm where we saw each other all the time. This year, that is not the case. We are all spread out in separate places. So it seems that since I'm not a direct part of any one group, I don't find out about get-togethers and events until after the fact, if at all. This tends to result in many weekends spent in the boring solitude of my room with no where to go and no one with which to hang out. In the words of John Green, that is so not jokes.
Mind you, this is not for a lack of trying. Many times I ask during the week if any of my friends have plans and of course, they say no or that they are going to catch up on homework or studying. So instead I hang around the dorm lobbies, desperately trying to find people having spontaneous fun. If I do find people to hang out with, I'm usually the awkward one who doesn't quite belong with the group. Also, not jokes.
So weird problem, right? I don't want to force myself upon a group of people who are only letting me join out of pity. I also don't want to be a pest, so I end up in my room, doing nothing. But I want this semester to be different! I want to get out there! Test the limits of diminishing extroversion and be someone worth being around! How do I accomplish this? Please, give me feedback, because I'm really at a loss.
The problem lies in the fact that most of my friends belong to separate distinct "friend groups" (in high school, we would have called them cliques). However, even that is not really a bad thing, but I'm not really a member of any of these groups. I'm a person who can come and go in many groups and have a good time.
Last year, this was never a problem because we all lived in a small dorm where we saw each other all the time. This year, that is not the case. We are all spread out in separate places. So it seems that since I'm not a direct part of any one group, I don't find out about get-togethers and events until after the fact, if at all. This tends to result in many weekends spent in the boring solitude of my room with no where to go and no one with which to hang out. In the words of John Green, that is so not jokes.
Mind you, this is not for a lack of trying. Many times I ask during the week if any of my friends have plans and of course, they say no or that they are going to catch up on homework or studying. So instead I hang around the dorm lobbies, desperately trying to find people having spontaneous fun. If I do find people to hang out with, I'm usually the awkward one who doesn't quite belong with the group. Also, not jokes.
So weird problem, right? I don't want to force myself upon a group of people who are only letting me join out of pity. I also don't want to be a pest, so I end up in my room, doing nothing. But I want this semester to be different! I want to get out there! Test the limits of diminishing extroversion and be someone worth being around! How do I accomplish this? Please, give me feedback, because I'm really at a loss.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thank you, Ben.
People keep moving, keep living
They don't realize that one of their own is gone
Shouldn't they feel it?
They should feel the cavity in their hearts
It's not their fault though
They don't know
They didn't know him
They didn't know how heroic he was
How he and his wife and son went to do God's work
On the other side of the world
I don't even know the story of how it really happened. No one told me. I guess that's okay. I didn't really need to know. I wasn't that close to them. It still would have been nice to have been told about it though. I just found out. They are part of my family though, my Christian family. He was my brother in Christ and now he's with Christ, face-to-face with Him. I can't think of a better way to leave this world though, saving a life. He died laying down his life to save that of a child. How much more Christ-like can one be?
John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends."
My prayers are with you, Katie and Jeremiah.
My gratitude is with you, Ben. Thank you for being an incredible inspiration to me and the rest of the world.
They don't realize that one of their own is gone
Shouldn't they feel it?
They should feel the cavity in their hearts
It's not their fault though
They don't know
They didn't know him
They didn't know how heroic he was
How he and his wife and son went to do God's work
On the other side of the world
I don't even know the story of how it really happened. No one told me. I guess that's okay. I didn't really need to know. I wasn't that close to them. It still would have been nice to have been told about it though. I just found out. They are part of my family though, my Christian family. He was my brother in Christ and now he's with Christ, face-to-face with Him. I can't think of a better way to leave this world though, saving a life. He died laying down his life to save that of a child. How much more Christ-like can one be?
John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends."
My prayers are with you, Katie and Jeremiah.
My gratitude is with you, Ben. Thank you for being an incredible inspiration to me and the rest of the world.
Monday, October 11, 2010
On Being Equipped and Unused...
I really don't understand.
I watch in amazement and frustration as the world seems to rotate without me. I can feel the seconds, minutes, hours, days rush past me like an angry wind bent on devastation. The only thing I hear is the screaming in my head, silent to the rest of existence, that does not cease. Emotional pain becomes physical.
But I am fine. Aside from the burning distress in the pit of my stomach. I walk on, praying that there might soon be a manifestation of His love. Then I am tired and beyond stretched, still relying on Him, but faith wavering. Pathetic, it seems now. Reduced to scripting these feelings in a blog, that maybe one person will read... But how else might I deal with this? My burden is mine...but no, it is the Lord's. I am a tool of apathy and disregard, in this moment.
What I saw this morning was different. Suddenly, my passion was again set on fire. I sat watching the blurry image before me through watery eyes. Then...struck down again. Humbled to remember that for now, it's not my place to take on that which I desire so greatly. Contentment ripped away with strange contempt.
All that to say this:::
The waiting process is dangerous for someone like me.
I watch in amazement and frustration as the world seems to rotate without me. I can feel the seconds, minutes, hours, days rush past me like an angry wind bent on devastation. The only thing I hear is the screaming in my head, silent to the rest of existence, that does not cease. Emotional pain becomes physical.
But I am fine. Aside from the burning distress in the pit of my stomach. I walk on, praying that there might soon be a manifestation of His love. Then I am tired and beyond stretched, still relying on Him, but faith wavering. Pathetic, it seems now. Reduced to scripting these feelings in a blog, that maybe one person will read... But how else might I deal with this? My burden is mine...but no, it is the Lord's. I am a tool of apathy and disregard, in this moment.
What I saw this morning was different. Suddenly, my passion was again set on fire. I sat watching the blurry image before me through watery eyes. Then...struck down again. Humbled to remember that for now, it's not my place to take on that which I desire so greatly. Contentment ripped away with strange contempt.
All that to say this:::
The waiting process is dangerous for someone like me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)