On Being Equipped and Unused...

I really don't understand.

I watch in amazement and frustration as the world seems to rotate without me. I can feel the seconds, minutes, hours, days rush past me like an angry wind bent on devastation. The only thing I hear is the screaming in my head, silent to the rest of existence, that does not cease. Emotional pain becomes physical. 


But I am fine. Aside from the burning distress in the pit of my stomach. I walk on, praying that there might soon be a manifestation of His love. Then I am tired and beyond stretched, still relying on Him, but faith wavering. Pathetic, it seems now. Reduced to scripting these feelings in a blog, that maybe one person will read... But how else might I deal with this? My burden is mine...but no, it is the Lord's. I am a tool of apathy and disregard, in this moment. 


What I saw this morning was different. Suddenly, my passion was again set on fire. I sat watching the blurry image before me through watery eyes. Then...struck down again. Humbled to remember that for now, it's not my place to take on that which I desire so greatly. Contentment ripped away with strange contempt. 



All that to say this:::


The waiting process is dangerous for someone like me.