Last night I realized something strange... and honestly, not terribly interesting...
I feel really good about the major decisions I've made in the last two weeks. I have my peace with them, regardless of what others say about it.
But there's something else...something wrong.
I've considered a lot of different things...mostly they are things that I know are true, but I'm still not sure if they are actually the cause of this melancholy.
First of which is that I'm lonely. Not like devastatingly "everyone hates me" or "no one cares about me"...nothing like that. I have the BEST friends in the world; people who shower me with love and affirmation, so no problem there. It's that other kind of lonely. The kind where if I want to just talk or cry or laugh or rant with someone who is closer to me than anyone else, then I know exactly who to call. I don't have that right now...and that's okay. I know God will bring me that person when the time is right for both him and me. It's just rough when I see so many relationships forming and thriving around me everyday.
Second is the possibility that I'm still a bit worried that I'm not actually doing what God wants me to do. I know that the devil is constantly trying to put doubt and guilt on my heart to make me think that I'm doing something wrong. I know I can't let him get to me and that I need to pray him away. But its still something I struggle with daily.
Thirdly and, for the purpose of this blog, finally, I've been getting a little scared lately that I'm not as "okay" as I think I am. I've gone through a lot of battles in the last eight years and have learned a lot about myself through them. One major thing that I've learned is that I'm very good at hiding things from people...including myself. I bury things inside my heart when I don't want to think about them. Then, eventually, I forget about them...until they come back. And lately, things have been coming back. Just little things, nothing too frightening, but all the same, its bothersome.
Yeah.
Well...that's a bit of my exposed heart in the moment.
Just in case you were wondering...
